Author: George Baker
Nonviolent Communication
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a method of communication based on the assumption that we all share the same, basic human needs.
NVC assumes that physical and verbal violence—whether directed at ourselves or others—are learned behaviours taught and supported by social structures.
Violent Communication
NVC proposes that violent communication comes from moralistic judgements. It also challenges the notion that there is right and wrong, or good people and bad people.
In this way of thinking, judgements about ourselves and others are discoraged:
- “I’m a failure”
- “She talks too much”
- “I’m awful at talking to people”
Punishment and Reward
NVC also challenges the way our social structures are predicated on punishment and reward, from the root assumption that there exists good behaviour and bad behaviour.
Instead, NVC advocates restorative justice.
Observations
NVC suggests that instead of moralistic judgements, we can use observations which are free from thought/interpretation.
Observations:
- “He hasn’t done his homework in 10 days”
- “Each time we have a team meeting, Jen speaks for the majority of the time”
Feelings
One of the core components of NVC is feelings. NVC assumes that we all have the same basic human feelings which are free from thought/interpretation. I.e., feelings just are.
Pseudo-feelings (not free from thought/interpretation):
- “I feel like I didn’t get a fair deal”
- “I feel ignored”
In our language, we often use sentences that start with “I feel like…”, however these are often voicing opinions rather than feelings, e.g., “I feel like I didn’t get a fair deal”.
True feelings:
- “I feel sad”
- “I feel embarrassed”
- “I’m scared”
Needs
The other core component of NVC is needs. NVC assumes that we all have the same basic human needs:
- Love
- Enjoyment
- Order
- Respect
- Safety
When we relate to ourselves in terms of our feelings and needs, we can become more specific about what is not making us happy.
E.g., “I feel depressed” can become “I’m feeling lonely because I’m really needing some love and attention”.
Getting in touch with our feelings and needs provides greater clarity to ourselves and others on how life could be more wonderful.
Validating feelings
Scenario: failing a test
Invalidating response: “you could have done this or that…”. Feelings are ignored or discouraged.
Validating response: “wow, it is so hard that it didn’t turn out the way you wanted, I’m guessing you’re feeling upset right now”. Feelings are acknowledged and respected.
Requests
NVC asserts that we cannot force other people to do what we want; conversely, nobody can force us to do what we don’t want.
Instead NVC suggests using requests to other people based on our feelings and needs:
- “I’m feeling tired right now and I’d like to rest. Would you be willing to reschedule to tomorrow?”
- “I feel annoyed when I hear you say ‘you won’t be able to do it’ because it doesn’t meet my need for respect. Would you be willing to give me a chance and some help in completing this task?”